Friday, April 9, 2010

Challenge Yourself

You will have to excuse me because I really love my Ruby show and she inspires me and will undoubtedly inspire a lot of my posts on here...

This week's show centered on Ruby's journey to Australia. She hired a trainer while on vacation to keep her on track. He told her that at the end of the week she was going to climb the Harbor Bridge. She balked at the idea, telling the trainer that she weighed over 300 pounds and had bad knees and a bad back. It sounded like a no-go!

But on her last day there, she decided to do it. The whole way she kept saying "I can't do this. I don't think I can do this." But... SHE DID IT! It was a beautiful moment and it was really inspiring and motivating to me to see her beat that huge challenge and overcome a fear of hers. It made me feel like there are some things in my life that I let get in my way that I can overcome...

My friend Liz and I have decided to start the Couch to 5K Challenge. Basically it's a running/walking program that starts out 'easy' and gets harder and more intense each week until you are running for 20-30 minutes at a time. Might not seem like a lot for you more fit people, but believe me it is scary to me right now.

We did our first day of it today. We walked for 5 minutes, then alternated between 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking. So in total we ran for 6 minutes. Believe it or not that was HARD! When I was way skinnier I enjoyed running... but right now it's a scary thing for me. I fear for my poor knees and the rest of me as well. My heart was POUNDING when we started... not from exhaustion but from pure fear! But we made it through, and I am very very proud of that.

Now that doesn't mean that my fear is gone... because we do this same workout two more times and then we go to running for 90 seconds at a time... and then for 3 minutes at a time the next week! Again, may not seem like a lot, but for me right now I am scared to death of doing that. I keep looking ahead and worrying 'can I do that?' But I need to stop. I need to focus on what's in front of me, and what's going on right now. Too often I focus on what's up next and what's coming and I don't pay attention to what I have accomplished or am accomplishing today. So that's the goal. To focus on today, not worry about what lies ahead, and be proud of what I am doing right now. Perhaps I will excel at this the more I do it; perhaps I will need to tweak it and give myself a few more weeks at a slower pace. But either way is ok- I am up, I am moving, and I am DOING IT! And for that I am very proud of myself (and Liz) :)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Clothes in My Closet

So.... just got done emailing with a friend about all of the 'skinny' clothes we have saved and can't wait to wear again. It brought up some interesting feelings for me...

I realized that my current closet holds about 80% clothes that are too small for me and only about 20% (perhaps even less) clothes that I actually wear and fit into right now. Is that healthy?!? I'm thinking not so much. Maybe it's motivating to want to fit into them, and to want to work towards that. But isn't it also sending a message to myself that I'm not good enough as I am right now?!? Isn't it saying that I'm not at my ideal weight and therefore don't deserve fun, beautiful, stylish clothes? I kind of think it is.

Now, that's not to say that I'm going to rush out and buy a whole new wardrobe. My wallet cannot afford that, and considering I plan to keep on losing weight, it just doesn't make sense. But I do think that maybe I need to put those clothes away until I'm ready to wear them, and maybe start buying one or two special pieces that fit me now and make me feel really good when I wear them. What could be better than loving myself as I am? Stacy and Clinton (What Not to Wear- love that show!) always talk about loving yourself as you are, and feeling beautiful so that you have the confidence to continue growing and changing. It makes sense to me and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing that right now. But it's a goal and part of my journey, for sure.

I am not particularly excited about going through my closet and realizing what little I have to wear, but I think it will be great to surround myself with things that I am able to wear now and that make me feel great. Here I go.... :)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A Heavy Heart

We got some really excruciatingly sad news today... it is private, and I am respecting the people involved by not sharing it here. Suffice it to say that there is a lot of pain and sadness right now.

This evening after getting the news, one of my very first thoughts was to turn to food. I immediately tried to decide what food I could/should eat to comfort myself. It's such a natural reaction for me. I'm sad, I eat. I'm happy, I eat. I'm bored, I eat. I'm worried, I eat. It's such an ingrained habit that I really don't think much about it. I just do it. Or at least the old Melissa did. The new Melissa, tonight, when my brain automatically went to thoughts of food, asked myself, "Am I hungry?" When I knew the answer was no, I ended the thoughts. HUGE step in the right direction. I identified a potential sabotage on myself and gave it the kibosh. That is a great step in the right direction for me. I wish it hadn't come at the expense of such a terrible day, but I know that if I am going to succeed, I really need to be positive and to not beat myself up.

Please pray for healing and understanding. And NEVER take anything or anyone for granted. Ever.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Here I Am!!!

Hello blogging world!!!

I am completely new to this, but I have been inspired to start something new, and I do believe that this could be really great for me... and maybe for you too :)

Not sure how many of you watch Ruby on the Style Network, but she is a wonderful woman who has lost an incredible amount of weight- I believe at her heaviest she weighed in the 700's and she's now in the low 300's. She inspires me to no end!!! I really believe that if I were to get to such an extreme weight, I don't know if I would be able to face such an incredible uphill battle. But maybe I would surprise myself...

Well anyways on the latest episode, her therapist suggested that she find five things that she could change about her routine, her life, her habits to help boost up her weight loss and give her a fresh start. Her choices were to give up diet pop in favor of a juicer (ewwww... she juiced carrots and celery!!!), take the stairs instead of the elevator, switch up her workouts, get rid of her favorite chair that she bought to fit in at 700 pounds, and to put up mirrors all over her house to see the 'real Ruby'. Two of her choices triggered thoughts and ideas for me.

First, I thought about how Steve and I have let our dining room table become a clutter-holder. We just keep piling more and more stuff on it!!! You can't even see most of the pretty table cloth I have on there :( We are both in the terrible habit of eating all of our meals in front of the t.v. I know that this affects how much we eat, what we eat, and our level of enjoyment of the food- which also correlates with how full and satisfied we may or may not feel afterwards. More importantly, it affects our ability to hold a conversation, to look each other in the eye, and to connect with one another- very very important things in our young marriage! So that is my first change- clearing off the table and making an honest effort to eat all of my meals at the table.

Ruby's mirrors triggered a lot of things for me. I, like her, have always felt that I don't see the true me when I look in the mirror- but then again I think I only glance, I don't really look. I don't see how big I got. I didn't have any idea how I looked until I saw a picture of me and some friends from back in January- I've got to post that picture as my starting point! I was shocked at how big I was. I just had no idea that I looked like that. That scares me- that I don't have an honest view of myself in the mirror. I think that's a defense mechanism. It's my way of protecting myself from the image I am bound to see (and probably not like) if I truly look at myself. So my second change is to truly start to look at myself in the mirror and to get acquainted with myself.

As far as my other three changes go, I am unsure, but I have some ideas...

I know that I need to do more strength training (I used to not mind it but lately I have the HARDEST time making myself do it).

I also want to vary my workouts- I am thinking about trying kickboxing and perhaps doing some water aerobics- which would also force me to get over my insecurities about showing my legs and arms!!!

Hmmm... what else? There are definitely things to think about. But I am determined to get my dining room table cleared off and start using it properly. As well as spending quality time in the mirror... scary, but very very necessary!

I'll let you know how it goes :)